Family Dinner
by Fallen Ark Angel
Summary: Because it's not a Thunder Strauss Tribe get-together without loogies, deep (meaningless) conversations, Laxus feeling up Mirajane, attempted homicide, and real men! Honest, it's just not. - One-shot


"Have you ever, like, heard that thing about how people can talk to one another until the sun comes up? That is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard," Evergreen carped as she sat there in Freed's living room, flipping through a filthy gossip magazine. "I hear that all the time in stupid romance novels and stuff like this." She angrily flipped another page. "Tell me that isn't a load of garb. Even you've never done that...have you, Mirajane?"

"Me and dragon have very busy schedules," the woman called from the kitchen where her and said dragon (though he against his will) were helping Freed with dinner. "We use our nights to sleep."

"Yeah," Bickslow snickered from where he and Lisanna were stretched out on the living room floor, using the fact that Freed was in the other room share a smoke (though, honestly, he could smell the stench all the way in the kitchen; he was just too tired to fight them on the no smoking rule). "Sleeping's what you're doin'. Sure, boss."

"Me and Bickslow have stayed up and talked the whole night," Lisanna chimed in. The seith still only cackled at that, his wooden babies floating over he and Lisanna's heads. "All the time."

"No," Laxus grumbled from the kitchen. "You're both hopped up on whatever the hell you took the night before and crash around sunrise. That's not the same thing."

"It's just stupid." Ever flipped another page. "Completely and utterly stupid."

"You," Freed spoke up from the kitchen, "are just upset over the fact that Elfman broke up with-"

"He did _not_ breakup with me!" Another page flip. "That big idiot. I broke up with him."

"As that big idiot's brother," Mira replied, giving Freed a look in the kitchen, "I have to concur. He just asked for a break. Which was really rude, considering that he knew we were having this party today."

"Breaks." Bickslow snorted. "What does that even mean? What's the difference between that and breaking up?"

"No one knows," Laxus complained. "Women pretend to, but only when whatever you do on the break upsets them."

"Dragon-"

'I'm not talking about you, Mira. We'd never go on a break." Laxus' tone was much lighter when speaking to her. "I'm talking about other women. You're too perfect to ever do that to a guy."

"Guys can ask for breaks," Lisanna complained.

"Oh, what do you know?" Ever gave her a nasty look from the couch. "You've only ever dated Bickslow."

Not one to let his woman get outwitted, Bickslow announced loudly. "Lissy, I want a break."

That just about got her to sit up. "What?"

"Now I'm officially ending our break." He blew some smoke up in the air. "There, Ever. Now she's been on a break. You elitist.'

"How am I a-"

"A break," Mira called out to them before they devolved into a full blown argument, "is when you, as implied, just take some time out from one another. You don't see one another. _But_ you don't see anyone else either. You work on yourself. A breakup is when you're completely done with one another and can see other people. It's really not that hard."

"If they're different," Laxus complained, "why do they have the same word in them? Huh?'

"Able and unable have the same word in them," Lisanna agreed, though it was more just to stay on her sister's side, "but they mean two different things."

"Because the prefix un is in there," the slayer argued.

"The suffix up is in the other," Mira replied.

Then silence. Until Bickslow burped.

"Nah," he told them all loudly. "I saw Elfman this morning. He was all antsy about somethin'. I bet he wanted to sleep with someone else, felt bad about it, and then just broke up with Ever. Classic Elfman."

"In what way is that classic Elfman?" Laxus snorted. "Ever's the only one that he's ever-'

"Hey!" Lisanna's yell cut him off. "She's throwing stuff at us!"

"They deserve it!" came Ever's shriek.

"Children," Freed sighed, not even going to peek into the living room. "The adults are busy in the kitchen."

"Not as busy as they'd like to be," Laxus grumbled as he came over to Mirajane where she was stirring a pot of something. Standing behind her, he moved to dump the plate of vegetables he'd been assigned to chop in there, though one of his hands also managed to snake around her waist and pull her close. "Had they not been forced to come to this party. Maybe Elfboy has the right idea."

"Laxus." Mirajane punished him with a sharp elbow to the stomach. "What are you saying?'

"Just that I wish I hadn't had to come here either." He didn't let her go. "Wasn't implyin' nothing else. No way. I just went through that whole bit about how I'd never break up with you. Didn't I?"

Leaning his head down, he stared over her shoulder before saying, "I don't think it's safe, anyhow. Breaking up with a demon."

"Definitely isn't."

Freed only rolled his eyes at them, but knew better than to openly show his distaste for the couple's need to nearly constantly be, well, couple-ish. It wasn't so much that he didn't like Laxus with Mirajane. He actually rather enjoyed both of them. Just...not when they were hanging off one another.

"You know, Ever," Bickslow complained loudly from the living room. "I think you're just jealous of me and Lissy."

That got a loud, humorless laugh out of the woman.

"Jealous? Of you? Hardly. If I wanted to date a ditzy, idiotic, loser who only wanted to date me because it made them feel important for the first time literally ever-"

"That's rude." Lisanna sat up then, glaring over at Evergreen. "Why would you say those things? I haven't done anything to you."

"I wasn't describing you," Ever said with a heavy eye roll as she went back to her magazine. "I was talking about Bickslow."

"Oy!" He sat up too, from where he was still seated on the floor, glaring over as well. "I'll have you know, Ever, that I'm not the least bit dizzy. I'm not even drunk!"

Evergreen only blinked and, slowly relaxing one more, Lisanna only mumbled to Bickslow that she'd said _ditzy_ not dizzy. She was pretty sure he'd already known that though.

"Actually," they heard then from the kitchen, "I still haven't heard the full story of just what happened between you and Elfman.'

Mira's statement was followed by boy Freed and Laxus' begging her softly to stop asking questions before they actually had to listen to the answer.

"Yeah," Lisanna agreed, frowning over at where Evergreen was sitting. If Bickslow was sulking/smoking so intently, he'd have thrown a hand over his mouth to stop her as well. "I never heard what happened either, Evergreen. You just said that he broke up with you and that's it. I haven't seen or talked to him since."

"Either," Mirajane said after scolded Freed and Laxus both for their apparent disinterest in Evergreen's life, "have I. Not for a few days, actually. Now that I'm staying over at Laxus'-"

"Living," Laxus corrected. "You live with me. You're not staying. Remember?"

"What difference would that make?" Bickslow called into the kitchen. "Boss?"

"Because," Lisanna sighed, glancing at her boyfriend. "People who live in a place-"

"Also have to pay rent," Mira complained. "I know. And I told you that I would be paying rent. Soon."

"Soon, she says. Soon."

"Well, you know that I don't make a lot down at the bar and-"

"More like you spend it all on your sister and her idiot boyfriend."

"Hey, it's your fault that she's with the idiot, so-'

"What is with you people today?" Bickslow had taken off his visor previously, but picked it up then from where it laid on the ground and secured it over his eyes. Staring behind the bars up at the ceiling, he added, "You're all such jerks. And I never ask Mirajane for money."

"No," Laxus grumbled from the kitchen, "but you spend whatever jewels she loans to Lisanna."

"Loan," the youngest Strauss remarked, "is a strong word."

"The point," Mirajane told them all loudly then, "was about how I never heard Evergreen tell me what happened between her and Elfman."

No. The point was that Laxus was trying very hard to get Mira _not_ to ask about that.

Still, with a large sigh out in the living room, Evergreen only said, "I don't want to talk about it."

Freed and Laxus, when Mira turned to go look in there, both grinned at one another, glad for this, but just as quickly Mira was heading in there to poke some more because, you know, she just couldn't help herself.

"But why not?' she asked. "Evergreen? You can tell us. I mean, sure I'm Elfman's sister, but I like to think of us as friends too."

"Yeah, well don't.'

"W-What?"

Sigh. Laxus, back in the kitchen, lost his smile. Freed wanted to stop what was going to happen, but knew any effort would be futile. No one got to hurt Mira's feelings like that.

No one.

"Ever," Laxus barked as he headed into the living room too, not so carefully stepping over Lisanna and Bickslow while he was at it (he actually kicked both of them in the head). "What did you just say to Mira? She asked you about what happened, so tell her what happened!"

"Dragon," Mirajane complained, giving him a look. "You don't have to be so-"

"If you all must know," Ever complained from where she was sitting in the chair, slamming down at the magazine on the end table while she was at it. "Elfman and I were talking about this stupid party-"

"It's not stupid." Bickslow snorted. "It's...uh… Why are we having this party again?"

"Because," Freed complained from the kitchen, "we have not all gotten together in a good three months and Mirajane ordered it."

"I didn't order it." The eldest Strauss shrugged. "I only told Laxus that I wanted to do it."

"Which means," Lisanna sighed, "he ordered it. Same thing, really."

"I'm only going to say it once," Evergreen carped. "And if you guys keep interrupting me, then I just won't tell it at all."

"Ugh, would someone just listen to her then?" Bickslow went back to staring at the ceiling. "You're such a baby, Evergreen."

"Yeah." Lisanna blew the smoke from her cigarette in the woman's direction, getting a snicker from her boyfriend. "Such a baby."

"You-"

"Tell the damn story, Ever." Laxus took a seat on the couch, pulling Mirajane down with him. "And quickly."

Huffing, she thought for a moment before saying, "Well, we were discussing what time we would be arriving-"

"On time would be nice," Freed interjected, though he was still in the other room, cooking. "Just once."

"-when," she continued, shooting a glare towards the doorway to the kitchen, "it came up that Elfman didn't want to go to the party."

"Did any of us?" Bickslow asked. When he felt the heavy gaze of his idol from above, he added, "I mean, uh, all of us did. How could Elfman not? Mirajane planned an amazing get-together."

"Suck up," Lisanna mumbled, though it was just loud enough for the seith to hear.

He reached over and thumped her in retaliation.

"Anyways," Ever kept up because now that Mira had got her started, she just wouldn't stop. "I told him that that was a crappy thing to do because Laxus told us to come to the party. And he told me that real men didn't take orders from non-men so-"

"That stupid half-wit."

"Dragon!" Mirajane hit his arm at that. "Why would you say that? He's my brother!"

"He said I'm not a man!"

"Yeah, but that's just his thing," Mira said with a frown. "He can't help it."

"It's true." Bickslow snickered. "Like how you can't hep being unbelievably awesome, boss. Or how Lissy can't help being utterly cute."

"Awe," his girlfriend cooed just as Bickslow only stuck out his tongue, wagging it as he finished his joke.

"And how Ever's always a major bi-"

"Dragon, tell him to knock it off," Mirajane complained as Ever looked about ready to strangle him. "So we can finish the story."

Laxus only breathed heavily through his nose, still glaring down at man, not saying a word. Still, the seith pulled his tongue back into his mouth before getting out a, "Yes, boss."

With that done, Mira nodded once more at Ever, waiting for her to continue.

"As I was trying to say," she went on, "Elfman refused to go. And I wasn't going to come here alone. I mean, what would I do? Watch you people hang off one another and listen to Freed complain about you hang off one another-"

"I resent the use of you people," Lisanna retorted. "Unless you mean you awesome, amazing, super cool people who I'm jealous of because you have great relationships when I don't because then-"

"Can I finish? Or can I not?" Ever was growing more and more irritated. Which, considering she'd arrived pretty pissed off, was saying something. "Because-"

"Keep going," Laxus grumbled, shooting Lisanna a look too. "Just ignore the two of them."

"You two were part off that you people too, you know," was all Lisanna complained as Ever went back to speaking.

"But Elfman," Evergreen said, "was very insistent that he just did not want to go. And that's not fair, you know? For me to have to come here when he doesn't."

"If you're the miserable," the still cooking Freed complained, "then leave. And that goes for any of you."

"So I told him," Ever said, voice rising a bit as they were getting to the good part (if it could be considered that; honestly, Laxus doubted there would be any good in the entire day), "that if he didn't come to the party, that we would be breaking up. And then he yelled that sometimes men need breaks. And I said that if he didn't show up at the party, he'd be getting his damn break."

That time, she paused, as if for emphasis, though the others only stared, mostly unimpressed.

"Then he told me," she said when it was clear that no one cared about the previous statement, "fine."

At that pause, everyone waited for more. Bickslow and Lisanna even sat up and Freed poked his head into the kitchen. It was the demon and the dragon, however, that found their voices.

"And?" Laxus prompted as Mirajane only frowned.

"What else is there, Ever?" the eldest Strauss asked.

"What do you mean?" She sat back then, not even glancing at any of them. "There is no more. He told me fine which I took to mean that we were broken up. And then he wasn't here today, so-"

"You can't," Bickslow remarked as Lisanna only blinked, "be serious."

"These are the people that broke up once over the fact that neither wanted to even admit they're dating," Laxus grumbled, falling back into the couch with a sigh, only glancing down at his demon would she leaned against his arm, disappointed by the telling. "Of course she's serious."

"Ever, do you not know?" Mirajane asked with a slight frown.

"Know what?"

"W-Well, I didn't talk to Elfman since you guys...since you say you guys broke up, like I said, because I've been with Laxus-"

"Mooching off Laxus is more like it," the slayer grumbled.

"Dragon." She glanced up at him then with a frown. "Don't interrupt. It's rude."

Lisanna snickered. "Yeah, _dragon_. It's rude."

As he took to glaring at his girlfriend's baby sister (which she returned with the type of bravery only someone related to his demon could possess), Mirajane continued.

"Master sent Elf on a special job though, this morning," she said with a slight shrug. "I only know because Master Makarov told me about it. He thought that Elfman looked rather down about something and had a special request that he was going to give to Team Natsu, but asked Elf if he thought he was up for the challenge and-"

"That must have been when I saw him," Bickslow said, snapping his fingers. "'cause, you know, I was up at the train station and he was really bouncy and-"

"You really saw him?" Lisanna shrugged. "I thought that you were just messing around, trying to get under Ever's skin."

"Me? Get under Ever's skin? I'm like her second skin!"

"What does that even mean?" Lisanna asked with a frown.

"Mmmm...I'm not sure, but it sounded a lot worse aloud than in my head."

"It made you sound like you wear her skin or something."

"Or that she wears mine."

"You know-"

"Would you two please," Laxus chided, "take it outside or something?"

"Excuse me." Lisanna blew smoke over at him and Mirajane. "We've got just as much of a right to be here as any-"

"How many times," Freed complained loudly, coming then to glare down at her and her boyfriend, "have I told the two you not to smoke in here?"

Bickslow tumbled to his feet then. "Quick, Lissy! We've been found out! Run for it!"

"Right behind you," she called, scrambling after the man. The second the front door of the apartment shut behind them and the man's trailing behind babies, Laxus looked to Freed.

"You have permission," he said simply, "to do that from the start from now on."

"My point," Mira started again, staring over at Evergreen, "was that, maybe when Elfman said fine about the break, he meant he was coming to the party. But then Master called on him to do a job and he didn't get a chance to tell you about it."

Laxus only frowned. "I don't get why you ever told us that he asked for a break in the first place, when it's becoming increasingly obvious that he did not at all."

"He did so," Ever complained though she herself sounded rather doubtful in that moment. "He said fine when-"

"I think the two of you just like the drama, personally," Freed said before nodding over at the couch. "Mirajane, if you would-"

"Of course." She tried to jump up to go finish preparing dinner with him, but Laxus caught her arm. "Dragon-"

"Kiss."

Ever and Freed both rolled their eyes then as the woman leaned down to press one to his cheek, though seeming annoyed, just a bit, from this. Still, he released her arm and she skipped off to the kitchen with the letter mage, leaving Laxus and Evergreen alone.

For the moment, anyhow. Just as quickly his headphones were added to the equation because no Mirajane equaled yes music.

Duh.

Still, he kept it at a relatively low volume for him, given that if Mirajane called for him, he had to be able to hear her. If he wasn't, well, she'd be pretty pissy about it. And he didn't like her pissy. Not at all.

"I still think," Ever said as Laxus was trying to lose himself in his music, "that Elfman should've at least told me that Master asked him to do a job."

Laxus didn't glance her way, but for fear of her going in there and letting Mirajane know he was listening to music (why could to a party, dragon, if you're just going to ignore everyone; you might as well go home, though if you do, I'll totally ignore you for at least two days and that just won't do), went ahead and said, "Yeah, well, truth be told, you two annoy me together because, well, you're just pure annoying, but at the same time you annoy me when you're not together because I'm sorta bonin' a Strauss and Bickslow's...whateverin' a Strauss and, well, if you break up with a Strauss, surely you can see why that disturbs the balance of things. I mean, unless Freed starts screwing Elfman and you become the odd person out...but that would be weird for us all, I think, on a multitude of levels, so..."

Then they both sat there and, feeling as if he'd given his civic duty for the day, shut his eyes and tilted his head back, getting into that music listening trace.

Mmmm.

Laxus felt himself drifting off when, unfortunately, there was the sound of the door opening and the worst sound in the world.

"What's a man got to do to get a beer around here?"

Just the sound of Elfman's voice made Laxus consider his thoughts on suicide. Honestly.

"Elf!" Mirajane, for some reason, was far more excited to see her big brother than the man's own (kind of/sort of) girlfriend and came rushing out of the kitchen to greet him with a big hug. When Laxus opened his eyes, Elfman had effortlessly lifted the slight woman off her feet. "You came! Did you finish your job? I haven't seen you in forever! Are you and Evergreen really broken up? Or not? Because-"

"I'm here, aren't I?" he grumbled, dropping his older sister gently to the ground. "I rushed through something handed to me by Master just for her, so-"

"Stop," Evergreen complained as she refused to stand for him, "talking as if I'm not _right here_."

"Then how about you acknowledge me like a man instead-"

"I'm not a man, you moron, so-"

The door opening once more cut Evergreen off.

"See, Lissy? I thought you that Elfman heading in."

"I never said you were wrong. I just said that if it was him, we should try and hid behind him and sneak back in."

"Why sneak when you can just walk in during the meltdown over your brother's arrival? See? None of them even notice- Oh. They're all watching."

Laxus, from the couch, only narrowed his eyes. "Weren't you two just kicked out? Why are you back?"

"Uh, try for the free food." Lisanna made a face at him. "And Mira would expect me to go to work if I didn't come back."

"Kinana could use the help," Mirajane agreed with a slight nod.

Bickslow, however, only waved to Elfman, the man's babies coming to coo a creepy hello to him.

"I's just talkin' about you," the seith said, tongue wagging from his mouth. "A lot, actually. What're you doing here anyhow? I thought you were on a job? Or were you really out hooking up with women like I thought? You sly dog. You-"

"Uh, let's go make up with Freed, Bickslow." Lisanna took his arm just as Elfman looked about ready to wrap a hand around the masked man's neck. "And promise to never smoke in the apartment again."

"Until we want to, you mean," he corrected, allowing himself to be drug away.

"Well, I thought it was implied, but of course."

With them gone, Mirajane slowly backed away from her brother as Laxus only got to his feet, though that was only long enough to grab her from behind and drag her back over to the couch.

Elfman, for his part, turned his heavy gaze onto Evergreen, a lour accompanying it. Aloud, he said, "Where do you get off then? Telling people that we broke up?"

"You," she said as she got to her feet, voice raising an octave. Laxus only tugged Mirajane into his lap and disconnected his headphones from his own ears to slip them over hers. No need for his demon to hear such filth. "Are the one, Elfman, that said fine after suggesting that we take a break. And then didn't show up to the damn party-"

"I had to go on a job!"

Laxus, bored with their conversation already (if not downright annoyed), rested his head on his girlfriend's shoulder, arms wrapped around her waist as he awaited Freed to finish up with his food. And when Mirajane shifted just right in his lap, hmmm, he almost decided to forgo the entire dinner/get-together thing and just to take the demon home already.

"How should I know that, Elfman? Huh?" Evergreen crossed her arms over her chest. "You never tell me anything. Because you're a big idiot-"

"You're a bigger idiot then for being with me!"

Laxus resisted his urge to agree, but only because Mirajane patted the arms he had wrapped around her tummy and grinned a bit. That was more than enough to distract him from being petty.

Scoffing, Ever put a hand to her chest before glaring off. "The why don't we just take that break then, Elfman? Huh? Would you rather that?"

"No! I never said that I would!"

"Well you sure make it seem like it."

"Then you're an idiot."

"You're a bigger-"

"Don't," Laxus sighed as he couldn't help himself that time, "start that again. Please."

Elfman let out a short breath as Mirajane, oblivious to their fighting, bopped her head along with the music she was listening to, moving at the same time to pull one of Laxus' hands off her waist so that she could toy with his fingers. That brought his attention back to her, at least, and away from the walking disaster that he viewed Elfman and Ever's relationships as.

Now him and Mirajane? That was a relationship to be proud of. That should be immortalized. And oh, she was shifting again. Hmmm.

"I," Elfman said loudly, "don't want to fight over something stupid. I'm here, aren't I? Isn't that what you wanted?"

Evergreen deflated, if only slighting. "W-Well, yes, but-"

"Then why," he went on, "are we fighting?"

Silence. Then, from the kitchen, a snicker.

"He's got you there, Evergreen," Bickslow cackled as Lisanna laughed along, though truthfully, she laughed at everything the man said. "What're ya gonna do now? Huh? Huh? Waiting for that rebut- Hey, Freed, that's not cool."

Back in the kitchen, the man had only shoved a stack of plates at the seith before some silverware at Lisanna.

"Go," he said, pointing them towards his tiny adjoining dining room, "set the table."

Ugh.

"Always bossin' us around," Bickslow grumbled to Lisanna as, regardless, they went to do it. "This is oppression plain and simple. We got to do all the heavy work and what do the rest of them do? Nothing!"

"Nothing!" his babies shrilled.

"Well, they did sorta make dinner. And Ever brought over that cake for dessert."

"But then she sat her butt down and did nothing. Nothing!"

"Nothing!" came the babies calls again.

"She provided the entertainment though," Lisanna offered up. "I mean-"

"Lissy, do you not understand what I'm doing or are you purposely trying to be hostile?"

"A bit of a mixture, actually."

Out in the living room, where Elfman and Ever were having their stony silence, Laxus called out to Freed, "Is it time to eat yet? Me and the demon are, uh, wanting to get on with our night if you're catching my drift."

"Gross."

"Grosser," Bickslow added to Lisanna's disgust.

"Grossest," she replied and they nodded together while getting the dining room ready. Elfman only grumbled something about real men and Evergreen refused to glance at Laxus while Freed, annoyed by all of them by that point, only huffed.

"Are you not even going to say anything, Mirajane?" he asked, no doubt hoping that at least she could reign the slayer in. Because he definitely couldn't. Freed would let Laxus get away with anything.

 _Anything_.

Well, nearly anything, but…

"Mira can't hear us," Laxus said though the woman did hear that, as he was close enough to her, but he only moved to turn the headphones up louder, her grinning over her shoulder at him. "So shut it."

Because that was just great. When Mira wasn't around, Laxus could be a real ass.

Which is precisely what Lisanna told Bickslow as Freed put them on drink duty.

"Au contraire mon frere," he said, holding up a finger to wag.

"Uh, what?"

"Laxus isn't an ass, Lissy." Bickslow, who was filling the water cups Lisanna was setting down with a pitcher of the stuff, bent down to spit in the one in front of the seat Ever usually sat at. "I'm an ass. Laxus is just antisocial to everyone other than the woman he's bangin'."

"That's my sister, you know."

"I mean love. Banging is practically loving, isn't it?"

Back in the living room, Evergreen and Elfman had reached a shaky truce in which she sat back down and he took to walking off to the kitchen, to speak with Freed (read just get away from his girlfriend), while Mirajane had relaxed back against Laxus and he was mostly glaring towards the kitchen doorway, awaiting his meal.

And, when it was finally time to eat, Mira popped out of Laxus' lap with a giggle, returning his headphones, before rushing to help get the food into the dining room.

"Oh," she giggled in surprise. "You guys already got it all in here."

"You guys? You mean me and Lissy," Bickslow corrected with a grumble as the others came to take their seats. "We did it all. On our own."

"Yeah, well," Laxus grumbled as he followed his girlfriend in there. "Hard work's good for losers. Idle hands are the Devil's playthings or whatever."

"Is that what they are?" Mirajane giggled, glancing back at the man as he only gave her this really creepy grin that both Lisanna and Bickslow stuck their tongue out at.

It only got worse when they all sat down. Laxus, of course, sat at the head of the table with Mirajane flanking his left and Freed his right. Elfman sat beside his sister and Ever sat, reluctantly, on his other side while Lisanna and Bickslow sat across from them.

Once all of the pots and bowls were passed around and everyone had their food on their plates, a gauche silence fell in which Mira spent most of her time (not so) slyly running her foot against Laxus' beneath the table and Elfman and Ever tried extra hard not to touch one another at all, not even bumping elbows.

Lisanna and Bickslow, who thrived off the chaos that usually produced itself from all of them together, were both miserable with this and, at the sight of Freed enjoying the silence, knew that something must be done.

What was the point of a dinner party, after all, if there was no drama? Bickslow, ever faithful to he and Lisanna's distorted views on anything and everything, took it upon himself to break the uncomfortable silence.

Clearing his throat, he held his head up high as he said rather loudly and clearly, "Necrophilia."

And everyone just stared. Elfman, choking a bit, was finally about to get out, "W-What?"

"It's an ice breaker," Bickslow insisted as his babies, who were mostly floating around Lisanna's head, began to chant the word. "What are your opinions on it? Your deep feelings? Have you ever partaken in-"

"Bickslow, honestly," Freed complained, shooting him a look as Ever only rolled her eyes and Elfman had to pick up his water glass and take a long sip.

"No, seriously," he kept up. "What do you think about-"

"Dragon, he's ruining dinner," Mirajane complained, her foot, which had been edging up his thigh quite soothingly, dropping back down to the floor.

"Enough, Bickslow," Laxus told him with a heavy frown as Lisanna, having been the only one giggling, finally spoke up.

"What does it mean anyways?" she asked, staring up at her own boyfriend. Bickslow only wagged his tongue at her. That got her a look from the others, but her boyfriend tsked before leaning down.

"Oh, Lissy, so young, so naive."

Then, softly, in her ear, he whispered something.

"Ew!" And Lisanna hit him in the arm, nearly shoving him out of his chair. "That's so gross! Why would you say that?"

"Why would you laugh at it?" Mira asked as she only blushed, just from the thought of the word. "If you didn't know what it meant?"

"Because she laughs at literally everything he says." Freed rolled his eyes. "I mean-"

"It's called," Bickslow complained, looking around, "an ice breaker. Are we or are we not speaking more now than we were before I said it?"

Ever snorted at this as Lisanna finally stopped attack the man. Reaching for her own glass, she began, "Yes, well, let's not- He did it again!"

And she dropped the glass back down as the others only stared. Bickslow, still recovering from a Lissy bashing, paused a moment before snickering.

"What?" Freed asked in concern. "What is it now? Did he-"

"He spit," Lisanna groaned as Ever literally launched herself across the table at the man, knocking many things around as she did so, "a loogie in her drink."

"Ah! Get her off me! This isn't right! Seith abuse! Lissy, help me!"

"You shouldn't have spit in her- Hey, Ever, don't choke him!"

"She should choke him!" Elfman jumped to his feet too, nearly toppling the entire table. "Real men don't spit in other people's drinks! And he's been told to knock that off!"

Freed, for his part, just buried his head in his hands. "Why must we always do this? And over at my apartment, constantly? Look! Ever spilled her wine on the table cloth."

"She spilled a lot more than that," Lisanna remarked as she tried her hardest to pull the other woman off her boyfriend, whose babies were going crazy, but had yet to do anything about it. Bickslow as fearful that if he had them shoot a beam at her, Ever might turn him to stone.

And, given his failing popularity that night, the others might just topple it over.

Mira, who's plate had somehow not been disturbed in the tussle, only sat her fork down before lifting her napkin out of her lap and dabbing at her mouth. Then, glancing at Laxus, held out a hand, which he willing took.

Devil's plaything…

"Demon and I are done." Laxus got to his feet in unison with his woman. "With...whatever this was. I expect none of you to kill one another, Ever, some of you to help Freed with dishes, Lisanna, and the rest of you to be on clean up duty, Elfman and Bickslow."

"I bet your dessert you brought would have been lovely, Ever. And ooh, he's turning blue. Laxus was serious about not killing anyone," Mira said as she let the dragon walk her passed the carnage. Freed hardly even lifted his head to mumble out a farewell.

Once outside the apartment, Laxus threw an arm over his woman's shoulders before saying, "I'm with Freed. We need to nix these little get-togethers. Immediately."

"Oh, dragon-"

"One of them is going to end up hurt. By which I mean Bickslow. By which I mean Lisanna will be heartbroken."

"Then she could move in with us! And-"

"Mira."

Grinning up at him, she said simply, "Bickslow and Ever have such a cute relationship, I think."

"Yeah, sure, cute. If cute means homicidal-"

"Dragon."

"He's so annoying."

"He's just trying to impress Lisanna."

Laxus tried hard not to gap. "Mira, the girl was obsessed for years by the Salamander. Believe me, Bickslow is way more impressive than him."

"If you say so."

"What is that supposed to-"

"I'm done talking about this." Mirajane let out a long breath. "Let's just forget that happened. All of it."

"I'm into that."

"And talk about the next party."

"Oh jeez."

"I'm thinking...our place."

"It isn't our place until I get at least one jewel out of you for rent, woman."

That got him eyes batted and the most innocuous look Mirajane could pull off.

"But dragon," she drawled, tone practically dripping with implications, "I thought that I more than paid you for my stay?"

That didn't work for once though as he only snorted before replying, "What jewels do I make off you sucking my own dick, woman? Unless you're putting out for others and dragging in jewels then I don't see-"

"L-Laxus!"

"You brought it up." Still, he wrapped his arm tighter around her before saying, "You're walking so slowly. C'mon." Then he leaned down to kiss her head. "We can work out some sort of a payment plan, I'm sure."

"Like what?"

"You can clean. And cook. And just split your tips with me."

"That's not fair." She stuck out her bottom lip. "You've been paying for the place just fine before me."

"No," he chided. "I wasn't. I was taking a lot bigger and longer jobs to pull in more jewels. You and I both talked about it, remember? Me not taking so many or such long ones? To be home more? If you want to give that up though, just say so."

"Well-"

"Demon."

"We'll figure something out." She pushed his arm off before moving to grab his hand and tug him along. "Now come on; you're the one being slow now."

Back at the apartment, homicide had been taken off the table as they finally got Evergreen and Bickslow separated. The meal had been ruined, however, as only Freed was finishing eating while Elfman and Evergreen sat in the kitchen, arguing between one another then.

"Well, I hope you're happy," Lisanna grumbled to Bickslow as the two of them were down on their knees, scrubbing away at Freed' carpet from the stains Ever had made when she knocked plates and bowls off the table in her attempt to get at the seith's neck. "Bicks."

He could only grin at her though, tongue dangling from his mouth. "I'm super happy. Got to see boss today and bother Ever, hangout with you, and see some more of boss-"

"You sure do think highly of the man that left us to clean up his mess."

"Ever's mess."

"His mess by letting Mirajane force us into this stupid party."

"My mess. By messing with Ever. And I own it. So I'm cleaning up from it." Bickslow snickered. "Besides, I get to clean with you. And the babies. And that's better than being alone."

"Are you two working?" came the complaint of Freed from where he was at the table. "Because those stains better be out of my carpet before there's any sort of conversation between anyone."

"We're whittling while we work, man," Bickslow complained.

"Whistling," Lisanna giggled, "but sure."

"I don't whistle." Bickslow gave her a look from behind his visor. "'cause I'm a man."

"Oh, shut up."

It was only once all of the stains and food scraps were gone from the carpet that Freed seemed to relax a bit. He still griped about his poor table cloth, but that was kinda his fault, given that he'd been the one to put a white one down while hosting them.

Did he not know the destructive qualities of the Thunder Strauss Tribe?

Honestly.

It was almost disrespectful to their identity not assume they'd end in a big fight and property damage.

After that, it was finally time for cake. Evergreen, however, was still rather pissy and refused to come eat with them. And Elfman wanted to go sit with her, in solidarity or what have you, but, well, _cake_ , so he didn't.

That was for the best, however, as it gave Bickslow his in. Leaving Lisanna, Freed, and Elfman in the kitchen with the cake, he took a plate with a slice of it on it out to Evergreen, on the couch. She only glared at him though as he presented it to her.

"Did you spit on it?"

"Ever, you know me. That's not my thing. I spit in drinks! Your drink!"

"And I've asked you before to knock it off, but you continue to-"

"Ever, have I ever let you drink one?"

"What?"

Bickslow sat on the couch beside her, still bearing the plate towards the woman. "Have I ever actually let you go through with even taking a sip from one of the drinks?"

"I don't know. I-"

"No." He gave her a look. "I always bring it up right before. Or make you notice. Because it's just a joke. Would you freak out if I spit in a cup next to the one that you're going to drink from?"

"I'd rather you didn't spit anywhere near-"

"No," he answered once more. "You wouldn't."

"How do you know what I would-"

"Because I know you." And, finally, when she took the plate, he popped back up to go in there and get his own. "Very well."

As great as their pseudo-make up was, Ever felt none the better as she and Elfman left together that night, Freed ushering them out not soon after he once more had to boot Lisanna and Bickslow once more (smoking, again), though she and the big lug went a lot easier.

Then came the awkward part, as they walked out of the building, when they either needed to head down to one corner, and go back to her place, head down the other, to go to the Strauss house, or go their completely own separate ways.

So for a moment, they stood there, outside Freed's apartment building, not looking at one another, but not exactly departing from one another the way they should. After taking a deep breath, Ever finally spoke.

"I guess," she said loudly, "that now that we're away from the rest of them, we should have an open and honest conversation about our feelings and intentions with one anoth-"

"Men don't do those things." Elfman only stared down at her with a heavy gaze. "We should go home. To your home."

"Why? So you can stumble over something and break it?" she retorted, but he only ignored that.

Instead, he said, "I came to the party. And you haven't broken up with me yet. So what's there really to talk about? Talking's for women!"

"I am a woman, you oaf."

"You're an oaf."

She scoffed. "Excuse me?"

Elfman only headed then down the street, to the right, headed off towards her place. "I just got back from a job. You should be bragging on me right now and the peace I upheld by-"

"Oh, shut it. God." Ever followed along with a heavy frown, but swift feet. Because they were going home together. And, probably, would be for a long time.

And sure, they didn't 'talk until the sun came up' (but apparently only freaks like Lisanna and Bickslow did that), honestly, they hardly talked at all, but they did feel...comfortable.

Or, at least, weren't feeling the after affects of being forced to host a party for three couples that you'd rather not be together, like Freed did.

At least.

* * *

 **So...I missed Elf/Ever week or whatever, but pulled this old one-shot out and finished it. Felt the need for some Strauss siblings and Thunder Legion anyhow.**


End file.
